A few years ago I stood on the fawn coloured sands of Whale Beach and said I do to the man I loved more than life itself. I held his soft hand in mine, looked up into his beautiful amber eyes, sparkling brightly with unshed tears in the Sydney sun and I promised with my entire heart and soul to love and cherish this man forever. With a kiss, as soft as butterfly wings, I threw away my life as a singleton and embraced my new existence as a married man, forsaking everyone else but him, my Eternal Love.
However, my family (lead mainly by my uncles), because of my all encompassing love and marriage to a person of my same sex, was bent on my destruction, They disowned, beat, stabbed and terrorised me for quite some time thereafter.
It ripped my heart out knowing I’d brought shame and pain to my family but I was helpless. I couldn’t bear the thought of living without the man I had grown to love more than my own life.
Some time after our wedding I saw my mum at the newsagents alone, away from the rest of the family.
Without thinking I approached the woman that gave me life, the one I had ran to whenever I needed comfort and reassurance my entire life.
I wanted to share with her my joy, let her know I was doing well and tell I still loved her dearly, regardless of the present circumstances.
If I’m honest, I suppose I wanted, no..craved her acceptance. I needed to feel, from her, that everything was fine.
I approached her from behind and placed my hand in her back.
With a smile, she turned and looked at me. The smile swiftly fell from her face, like a curtain falling to the stage after the third act.
It was quickly replaced by a look of sadness mixed with revulsion. With a flick of her hand she wiped the touch of my hand on her back, thus, effectively, wiping me away from her as a son.
At that moment I thought the pain, the searing dagger she drove into my heart that day, was the worst pain I could ever feel.
But what happened this past Christmas Day would prove me horribly wrong. Traditionally Christmas is supposed to be a wonderful time of year, bringing with it joy and happiness. It’s magic has been known to stop wars, even if it’s just for a day.
With friends and family all round, Christmas lunch was eaten, crackers popped and naff jokes were read from slips of paper taken from within.
While laughter was still ringing throughout the house, children full of chocolate from their stockings, my husband and I retired to the bedroom for a bit of a nap to sleep off the massive amount of food we had so cheerfully eaten.
We were so happy and content, lying cuddled up together, discussing the meal and the silly things the children were saying. He held me close and sang to me, just as he’d done hundreds of time before.
He sang so beautifully that day, I could feel his love for me with every perfect note. With mutual I love yous traded and a couple velvety kisses, we went to sleep. For my husband, Teddy, that sleep would be eternal. His beautiful golden soul flew up to Heaven where God gave him gossamer wings as a Christmas gift.
I saw a rainbow on the wall of my room today.. which is kept in perpetual semi darkness. I touched the wall, letting the colours play on my hand and breathed in his scent of lavender.
Happy anniversary, my darling Teddy. Cover me in those tender gossamer wings of yours and hold me close while I await my time, when I can rejoin you and we can celebrate a new life together, a forever life with no more goodbyes, my eternal love.