A Heavenly Anniversary  

A few years ago I stood on the fawn coloured sands of Whale Beach and said I do to the man I loved more than life itself. I held his soft hand in mine, looked up into his beautiful amber eyes, sparkling brightly with unshed tears in the Sydney sun and I promised with my entire heart and soul to love and cherish this man forever. With a kiss, as soft as butterfly wings, I threw away my life as a singleton and embraced my new existence as a married man, forsaking everyone else but him, my Eternal Love. 

However, my family (lead mainly by my uncles), because of my all encompassing love and marriage to a person of my same sex, was bent on my destruction, They disowned, beat, stabbed and terrorised me for quite some time thereafter.  

It ripped my heart out knowing I’d brought shame and pain to my family but I was helpless. I couldn’t bear the thought of living without the man I had grown to love more than my own life. 

Some time after our wedding I saw my mum at the newsagents alone, away from the rest of the family. 

Without thinking I approached the woman that gave me life, the one I had ran to whenever I needed comfort and reassurance my entire life. 

I wanted to share with her my joy, let her know I was doing well and tell I still loved her dearly, regardless of the present circumstances. 

If I’m honest, I suppose I wanted, no..craved her acceptance. I needed to feel, from her, that everything was fine. 

I approached her from behind and placed my hand in her back. 

With a smile, she turned and looked at me. The smile swiftly fell from her face, like a curtain falling to the stage after the third act. 

It was quickly replaced by a look of sadness mixed with revulsion. With a flick of her hand she wiped the touch of my hand on her back, thus, effectively, wiping me away from her as a son. 

At that moment I thought the pain, the searing dagger she drove into my heart that day, was the worst pain I could ever feel. 

But what happened this past Christmas Day would prove me horribly wrong. Traditionally Christmas is supposed to be a wonderful time of year, bringing with it joy and happiness. It’s magic has been known to stop wars, even if it’s just for a day. 

With friends and family all round, Christmas lunch was eaten, crackers popped and naff jokes were read from slips of paper taken from within. 

While laughter was still ringing throughout the house, children full of chocolate from their stockings, my husband and I retired to the bedroom for a bit of a nap to sleep off the massive amount of food we had so cheerfully eaten. 

We were so happy and content, lying cuddled up together, discussing the meal and the silly things the children were saying. He held me close and sang to me, just as he’d done hundreds of time before. 

He sang so beautifully that day, I could feel his love for me with every perfect note. With mutual I love yous traded and a couple velvety kisses, we went to sleep. For my husband, Teddy, that sleep would be eternal. His beautiful golden soul flew up to Heaven where God gave him gossamer wings as a Christmas gift. 

I saw a rainbow on the wall of my room today.. which is kept in perpetual semi darkness. I touched the wall, letting the colours play on my hand and breathed in his scent of lavender. 

As I thought of my darling one today..my tears flowed as well as my memories of him. 

Happy anniversary, my darling Teddy. Cover me in those tender gossamer wings of yours and hold me close while I await my time, when I can rejoin you and we can celebrate a new life together, a forever life with no more goodbyes, my eternal love. 


Christmas Lights and Despair 

I wanted to start my revamped blog with something lovely, something magical so I chose the Christmas lights of Regent Street and a bit of Oxford Street.


We made a family night of it, dragging my hunny, Teddy and my little cousins, niece and nephew along for the adventure, snapping blurry photos along the way (sorry about that).

We started at Piccadilly Circus, then down the middle of Regent Street with our Costa peppermint hot choccy moos, gawking at all the beautiful lights and ending up spending a small fortune at Hamley’s toy shop. 

Dragging our parcels of expensive toys along with us, we experienced the lights of Oxford Street. By then the children were getting a bit cranky and my hunny was beginning to become exhausted and snarky.

The lights were beautiful and even though fatigue had set in, we enjoyed ourselves immensely and created some wonderful memories in the process. 

We walked back to our car near Langham Place, carrying a couple of sticky, sleepy two year olds towards the BBC Centre.  

We had planned, what we thought would be the best Christmas ever. Beautiful Christmas trees, food, fun, family and pressies. 

What we got instead, was an Eastenders worthy Christmas. My hunny died on Christmas Day. 
Looking back to the night we walked amongst the glowing angels of Regents Street, little knowing my hunny would soon become Heaven’s most beautiful angel himself, we created some sweet memories that night that will last a lifetime. 

Sign In Odyessey

I have just spent an agonising half hour trying to sign into one of my accounts. I know my user name and passcode (it’s always the same) and yet I have been told repeatedly that my passcode was wrong. WTF?
So, I did what any other sensible person would do, I changed my passcode. After this was confirmed by email, (following each step exactly) I decided to try to log on again as I was sure I would be able to sign in and get some work done. Guess what? The passcode I just changed was ‘invalid’. ** facepalm** SERIOUSLY? So….I typed it in again, ever so carefully.
‘Invaild passcode’
oh nice..so I slooooowly put in my new passcode.
‘Invalid passcode’
**bangs head on desk**
I change my passcode again..surely this time it’ll work..right? I enter in my new new passcode..
‘invalid passcode’
I had one last attempt at changing the passcode (after they made me wait 15 minutes before I could try again)
I type in my final attempt at a passcode (a filthy sentence I thought appropriate at the time) By this time half an hour had passed and my nerves were well and truly jangled.
I try to sign on again…with my new new new passcode. I wait with bated breath as the site started to open.
‘Invalid passcode’
I don’t think I’ve cussed so much in my life as I did just then. So there I sat, my blood pressure rising to the moon and head throbbing to the beat of my heart. What now? I’ve tried everything, did what I was told..I couldn’t think of..I think I’ll……
Then I saw it.
I couldn’t believe my eyes or my own stupidity. The user name..the sodding username. I had been typing in the wrong username!
**bangs head on desk**

Chinese Whispers



Lately a lot of people jumped to conclusions about me without even doing me the favour of consulting me. People started coming up with doubts and strange theories about me and my life that they swear are gospel, even when proven wrong. That blossomed into people telling lies about me, making me the baddie. Nobody bothered to ask me about any of this stuff, they just slunk into another groups or their inboxes and chatted about me. Yeah there are some things I won’t go into detail about but that’s my prerogative and what I do tell is truth even if I take out private details about things that are solely my business. Some things are private yanno? That’s what happened, that’s why I left a group I was in. I don’t like being discussed behind my back as things tend to go wrong and the reality of the situations they’re discussing get skewed in the wrong direction. Once one person starts something and spreads is about to others it becomes like chinese whispers, all truth (if there was any to begin with) is completely different than it originated as.

I can’t believe this was even up for discussion, but as far as my hunny goes, my baby is my baby. That’s it. When I shut my front door, I’m home and who I’m with, not with, what I do (as long as it’s not illegal or taboo) is my business, not theirs. Not anybody’s. I don’t go digging into people’s relationships or scouring the net for information on their spouses or children. Why people think they can do this is well beyond me. I wonder if they’d like people doing that to them and their private lives?

I’d like to point out here and now that the vast majority of the people in the group I was in are absolutely fantastic people. They’re kind, loving, sweet and incredibly witty. I’m sad to leave them and go off on my own but unfortunately it had to be done. The misunderstandings that were fostered by the chinese whispers of a few people and the assumptions made by some people because of it all made it impossible for me to stay. (I thought they knew me better than that) I don’t harbour any hard feelings or malice against those few Whisperers but I think it’s best for the group in general for me to swan off because it cuts down on the drama and rubbish talk and because I think I deserve respect like everybody else. Let’s just hope this was a one-off. 

Islam Q& A

They say, write every day even if it’s a few lines. That’s all well and good but when it comes down to it and I’m faced with a blank page the ideas I had earlier just sort of fly away and my brain goes dead.

The one thing I can think of is the question and answer thing I had today about Islam. I was slightly leery about discussing the issue with a large group, mainly Christian Americans, after my experiences in the past but it turned out well. I was surprised by the overall kindness and love shown to me during that little session. The things I was asked about today weren’t anything hateful or nasty. I was mainly quizzed about cultural differences and how not to insult or annoy someone who has different cultural values than theirs.

I am extremely proud of everyone who participated in our chat today. A bit of my faith in humankind has been restored today and I’m well chuffed.

Good night

It’s time for bed.

My head is foggy,

My thoughts are groggy and my body aches.

Slumber is near

Comfort is calling

Switch off the light,

I let the moonlit darkness cradle me in Night’s cool embrace,

Until the morning sun finds me awake.


So..This is Blogging?

Right, so this is my first blog. I’ve started this out of sheer boredom and a desperate longing to actually DO something. I’ve been in hospital for awhile battling pneumonia and am now home dealing with steroid withdrawal. This has not been a good year for me, nothing but bad luck.

Lets see, I’ve had a broken tailbone, several colds, swine flu, or as I prefer to call it, piggie pox, hepatitis A, assorted nasties and now pneumonia. What next? (Don’t answer that)

On the upside of it all I have gotten to watch an awful lot of telly. Thanks to the efforts of the BBC and ITV I’ve gotten quite an education. I now know how to buy homes at auction, put them in good nick and sell them off among many other useless facts but I’d be more than happy to trade in this lovely education for a decent paying, long term job now that I’m not contagious any longer.